on the days: a poem about machismo and body dysmorphia
on the days I looked like my mother
my eyes twinkled like stars, they radiated an essence that could only be captured in specific motions. through the cracks of my ribs, I felt immortal, as if my own beauty was keeping me alive. I ate through the bones of others, as my eyelashes fluttered and my lips were painted a deep red. I existed to see others see me exist, and nothing mattered except my sheer presence in the moments when I looked like my mother. where i believed that the image i had of myself would stay still forever, and i would be confident without ever looking again.
on the days i looked like my father
the image became distorted, and my beauty became faceless. i felt my face melt through the edges of my breath and my mind became the only piece of me i felt was truly mine. there is no feeling like the feeling of being afraid to look into the mirror. that you will see a monster hidden within rather than the grace that follows you, the peace you so desperately seek. to see cheeks too risen and eyes too dull, nose too big and chin too full. to lose the sight of your mother within you whenever you look into it. as if a mirror is the gatekeeper to your own self worth and there is nothing else to protect you from the days you look like your father.
As a hispanic woman, I have told my whole life that beauty is what should be the most important in my life. My worth was set on how skinny I was from the moment my mother found out I would be a girl and that hasn’t changed in my family’s eyes since. This poem is about the body dysmorphia I struggle with everyday because of my constant push away from those unrealistic beauty standards and the pull that my family and culture has on me. The mother and father metaphor is not only a literal form of describing the way I look but a reflection on the gender norms upheld in hispanic culture. As women, we are expected to be dainty and fair, light and flawless and men are allowed to be rugged and angry and have flaws. As I discover more about my gender identity, I realized that a lot of my issues are because I have this idealization of myself given to me by those around me that I’m trying to uphold. I think you truly become free once you break away from that.
